It’s been almost seven years since Jimmy and I made the decision to move to Connecticut. Jimmy felt excited about the move not only because of the career opportunity for him, but also because he was drawn to the adventure of it. I felt hesitant. Life was comfortable for me in California. I felt known, loved, and secure.
What I did not know was that I was reluctant to leave because my personal value and sense of safety were rooted in the accolades, titles, and opportunities that I had to leave behind. I wasn’t sure who I was or how I would be okay without them.
Many of you know that the initial challenge of a cross-country transition gave way to other struggles in our story. As we waded through the pain of transition, infertility, and relational struggle, I battled with loneliness, anxiety, and my own sense of value.
I just have to pause here and tell you that as I type and reflect on a season that has been filled with transition, disappointment, and even heartbreak, my hands are shaking and I am crying. I am overwhelmed with emotion because as I recall the painful circumstances we have faced, I look back and I mostly just see blessings.
I see the change and transition as a function of God’s grace in my life, prying my fingers off comforts and pulling entitlements from my grasp, leaving my hands empty, but open to receive Him more fully. Certainly the loss is painful and in many ways, the feelings are still real and raw. But in the wake of what I lost, I found a deeper understanding of the character of God, honest friendship, and peace and joy outside of circumstance. The formulas I lived by as a means of feeling more worthy and secure stopped working and I was broken open to receiving the transforming reality of God’s grace more fully than I had before.
Since leaving California, I have put pen to page as I personally wrestled with this truth that I had known as a therapist but had yet to discover for myself. This message has been stirring in my heart for seven years and I am grateful and excited to finally be able to share the news with you that I am writing a book and W Publishing Group (a division of Harper Collins Christian Publishing) will be releasing it in 2020!
I would cherish your prayers as I finish writing this book. My prayer is that God would hand me each word He wants printed on the pages of this book. And while it’s not possible for all of us to gather together in person, one of my big prayers as I write is that this book would be a catalyst for each of us to gather and have this conversation in our own communities.
Thank you for being a special part of my story and for your encouragement, prayers, and support. I have all the feels as I continue in the process of writing this book but I mostly just feel really grateful.